Dreams… to “be” or to “live”

I’ve often said that the one wish I would really love to have granted to me would be the ability to come outside of myself to see myself, to watch myself in my daily life, to measure my achievements away from myself, in order to be properly critical of where I was, where I am and where I might be headed.

What would be the purpose of this, you wonder? I would just like to see my “progress”.
The thing is, I’m not a person that’s very good with the “long-term plans”, I’ve always been this way, I’ve talked to some people I respect about this many times, including my best friend, and for most of these people, this is a strange concept, they never get it.
I mean, who can really blame them? in today’s world of “passions”… surely everyone must have one of those.
Maybe something is wrong with me.
How else would you explain why thinking about the future, the long-term, is absolutely scary. it’s like this elusive entity, a terrifying and endless stream of possibilities.
“there’s so much you can be” “you can be anything you want you be”…

I’m great with the everyday stuff, deadlines, meeting short-term goals, getting from here to there, even helping people make order of the everyday chaos that is their life, I’m awesome at that.
But contemplating the future just seems to throw me down a dark tunnel, fling me out into the middle of the ocean with no life jacket, opens up my worst fears that I can’t even seem to get a hold on.

It’s not like I’ve been standing still or moving backwards, I know this… I take steps, I move forward, I get better… but the future? Yikes!

I’m starting to consider though, that maybe this fear is in part brought upon by my worldview, what I think “expectations” are, as I watch other people do this and that and say they found their passion and they stick with it. why then do I do one thing for a while, enjoy it for a while and then get bored?
One thing I know for sure? I don’t want to live a normal life, for me, that would be a meaningless life.
and so, for 2014, my plan is simple… LIVE.
And then it gets a little more complicated… I have to make my own future, define my worldview, I have to stop worrying about the possibility of a meaningless life, I have to grow, read and learn things that interest me, travel, see as much of the world as possible, oh and definitely look into some career writing options, because guys, not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty sure I’d make a pretty good scriptwriter.
I have to build myself up to where I’m a well-balanced individual, as opposed to a “world-accepted complex person” who ultimately lives a fake life.

I must live and ultimately die on my own terms… and maybe for now, give myself more credit.

Adeola Matemilola


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