I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

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We are the same.?

The sight of blood used to make her queasy, And then yesterday, there was a picture on Facebook of dead, mangled bodies, blood splattered everywhere, insides all out like an animal to be cleaned.

And she lingered, and looked and examined the picture, from all angles, and she didn’t feel queasy, or sick, or irritated.

She felt satisfaction.

They were Boko-haram.
They kill hundreds, and thousands of people and enjoy it and feel satisfaction.

So, is she really different from them?

Or is that the point?
Do they essentially just want to turn us all into insane blood-craving vampires? If that’s the case, then someone should tell them its done, we’re there now. We crave their blood, heads and gory insides like we crave food.
We want to dance all over their mangled, broken bodies. And we know we’ll feel no remorse.

But that isn’t right, right?


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

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For the days after Valentine’s

This is for those who showed the utmost love yesterday,
This is for those that bought/got chocolates and flowers and huge teddy bears,
This is for those that planned the most romantic dinners,
this is for those that treated their loved ones to massages, spa treatments, and breakfasts in bed,
This is for those that had an unforgettable day,
This is for those that felt absolutely special yesterday,
This is for those that are still in a “love coma”

But No.

Because this is really for those that don’t care about Valentine’s day,
Those people who cannot stand the pressure of the day,
Those people who are not able to live up to the perfection that they think Valentine’s is about,
Those people who would rather spend the day watching TV with a glass of wine.

And for those people who believe that Valentine’s day is really about ALL loved ones and sharing love with family and strangers,

But not really.

Because this is actually for all of us;
those who think feb 14th is a special day,
and those who think its just another day of the year,
those who love all year round
and those who love the hardest on this day.

But most importantly, this is for those who were disappointed yesterday,
Who did not spend the day the way they wanted,
Who could not spend the day with who they wanted.

Don’t you worry, tomorrow’s another day.
Love hard everyday in your own unique.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017
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23rd December is just another day now.

It would have been your birthday today; so many years have passed and I barely even think about it much or get sad about it.
But on some days, like today, I do, I remember and I feel it all.

What would it have been like, if you were still here?
Would my life be any different?
Would I live here?
Would I have this job?
Would I be married?
Would I have kids?
Would I be travelling the world?
Would I be even more broken?
Would my pieces have come together, held lovingly in place by a mother’s love?

I remember you at random times and it takes all of me to hold back the tears.
I don’t feel scared or lost without you;
You left me with the most awesome support system headed by the absolute best man I know;
Zainab is only the strongest, most intelligent person I know,
Your baby boy, Musa, is an amazing strong-willed human being who knows exactly what he wants and goes for it everday,
And you would be absolutely proud of the beautiful woman Ore is becoming everyday;
Saying I am proud of these 3 everyday is an understatenent.

However, I wonder and sometimes worry; would you be proud of me?
Am I the current best version of me?
Could I have been better for now?
Am I doing life right?

There’s absolutely no reason to be dwelling on thoughts such as this.
Afterall, life is for the living and I should focus on being the best I can at it.

But on some days, like today, I remember, I feel everything and I absolutely miss you.

And sometimes, it takes all of me to hold back from saying “…and my mom’s birthday is the 23rd”

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2016
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22 Lessons from my daddy

Psych!

The lessons I’ve learnt from my dad cannot be put on a list like that.

The lessons he taught me and still continue to teach are not always in words, many of them are in how he lives his life, how he teaches by example, how he honours his parents, how he gives money for Beyoncé concerts or studio sessions while asking why you aren’t taking that Mathematics class.

I learnt the importance of a balanced life, of going to bed early.
I learnt that food is never wasted as long as somebody eats it, I learnt the ease of giving.
I learnt that no matter where I go on this earth, I have the absolute love of a father, a family.

But like I said, lessons from my dad cannot be put in a list like this… because the most important lesson I keep learning is that my daddy is a great man whom I would choose over and over and over.

One day, I will write a book about you.

The best birthday present I could ever hope for is sharing this day with you, even now, I am always proud to say, “22nd is also my dad’s birthday”

Happy Birthday daddy. I pray that the glory of the Lord will continue to shine upon you and you will have even more cause to laugh heartily as you step into this new year.

I love you more than my heart can contain sometimes. And I’ll always be ‘daddy’s girl’.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 20166
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“Happy ever after”

Perhaps our ‘happy’ exists in two beds
In two bedrooms,
In two houses,
In two cities,
In two seperate hearts,
With two seperate ‘ever-after’ heartbeats.


 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016
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Addiction like…!

A man walks into the casino for the first time, smiling, even as he looks a little unsure; he asks about different games, takes out a couple hundred dollars and starts to tentatively play a game, he is relaxed, asks for a drink, he is having fun. Even when he loses, he takes it in stride.

He comes back two days later, a little more sure footed, he has a favourite game now, he goes straight to that table, throws his money with money confidence, handles his chips more like someone who knows where he is, and exactly what he is doing… maybe he’s meaner now, maybe he insults the dealer with every hand he loses, or maybe he’s just a nice guy who now knows and is friendly with all the dealers, he doesn’t get mad when he loses, he still just takes it in stride, he’s here to have fun afterall.

Maybe at the beginning, he only comes a few days in a month, he’s not a regular gambler, not yet… but then, his visits start to get more frequent, his bets start to get bigger, he wins a few times and get reckless… his life becomes like an exhilarating rollercoaster ride, he doesn’t go home, he stays in the casino day and night, living off of coffee and cigarettes and no sleep but he just can’t tear himself away.
He blends into the casino life, he becomes a fixture, someone you always expect to be there… and then inevitably, he crashes, the money all goes away, maybe he loses his job, maybe he’s used his house and businesses as collateral to get loans, maybe he owes a huge debt to the casino.

Then one day, you get to work and see this highroller begging some other player for a 25Euro chip, so, he can make a bet. Now, he doesn’t go home, not because he’s chasing the high but probably because he’s trying to escape the low.

There is one player here who fits this description perfectly; I really used to like and respect him but in the past couple weeks, he become a shadow of himself and it happened to quickly, it’s extremely startling. Yesterday, I saw him sitting here, looking like he was homeless, he obviously hadn’t been out of the casino in days…now, I just feel sorry for him.

To truly understand what addiction is, one simply has to visit a casino, and see first hand how it happens gradually, addiction is like a spirit that drags people in slowly and teasingly and never lets go, even after they’ve lost everything, it just keeps dragging and dragging and these people get to a point where they’ll do anything to get a small fix.
I once had a woman crying while giving me money to change into chips, she had lost so much money that day and still couldn’t stop. One of the most ironic/funniest situations I’ve ever seen was a psychology student who started coming here because he was writing a paper on the processes and effects of addiction and after the first week, he became his paper.

In my opinion, seeing the effects of gambling addiction on players is one of the saddest aspects of the job.

Casino Chronicles

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2016
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Home

That look in your eyes that completes the sentences your lips start,
that tells me I am accepted wholly and completely,

The feel of your hand grasping mine that whispers that whether things get better or not, I’ll always be safe.

And when you say “I got you baby girl, forever and always”… I know that I am home.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2016

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The Beginning

The first time I stepped into a casino, it didn’t feel strange, it didn’t feel normal; it felt like an alternate universe but one in which I felt sort of okay, if not comfortable.

It was 9pm on a Wednesday night, just one hour earlier, I had arrived at the casino lodgement  with my sister and heart beating wildly, I had begun getting ready for my first day working as a croupier.

When I arrived at the casino, I was shown into the staff-room and all eyes turned to me, I felt like an anomaly, the way they quickly tapped each other, whispering and pointing and not one person said hi, and looking back, I probably was; they had never seen me before, I was wearing a croupier uniform and I was black, talk about shock!

Anyway, suddenly, they all stood up and started to move towards a door and here I was confused, do I follow them? Do I wait for a welcome party? What to do? In that split second, I felt a tap on my shoulder and a pretty girl with a small smile on her face told me to put my bag in her locker and come along.

She would be my first friend in European casino, Zeynep.

Out on the casino floor, I was assigned to a roulette table to stack chips, I had never done this before, I didn’t know what I had to do, and I wasn’t told, I was simply told to go and do it. Luckily for me, it was a dead table (no players) and the Georgian girl assigned to deal at that table immediately turned to me and smiled, asked my name and told me hers, and told me not to worry about a thing, she was going to help me as much as she can and she assured me that I would be an experienced croupier in no time, she talk about when she trained and gave solid advice on how to make the most of the experience. She talked about how being a croupier can be an exciting, how it can be frustrating and tiring.

Enter Maia! She kept every promise.

It’s been 4 years and I am very far away from that quiet, confused girl who walked into the casino that Wednesday night.

It wasn’t all roses and cream; many many things happened that made me feel like quitting so many times, I gave myself so many pep talks those first 9 months, I can’t even count.

But then the next February came and I moved to a different branch of the casino in a different town, got an apartment with my sisters,enrolled for my MSc in International Relations.

My first day at this new casino, I walked in like a boss! I knew how to deal all of the games we offer, I spoke a little Turkish, I walked into that staff-room not expecting anyone to say hi and I didn’t care.

Here in this casino, I have grown, blossomed… I also got a little crazy, there was no way to help that.

This is Casino Chronicles.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

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Beneath I’m beautiful?

I’m not scared you won’t want me,
I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to accept you wanting me,
The feeling of letting go so completely, of believing that there is someone out there capable of loving me through all of my mess seems way too impossible.

I’ve worn this mask for so long,
It’s now not so much that I can’t take it off, it’s that I’m scared to.
Fear; that’s what drives me now, not that you’d know it by looking at me.
I hide it well.
I hide it behind my anger, I hide it beneath my laughter, I hide it within my room, I hide it in a bottle.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.