23rd December is just another day now.

It would have been your birthday today; so many years have passed and I barely even think about it much or get sad about it.
But on some days, like today, I do, I remember and I feel it all.

What would it have been like, if you were still here?
Would my life be any different?
Would I live here?
Would I have this job?
Would I be married?
Would I have kids?
Would I be travelling the world?
Would I be even more broken?
Would my pieces have come together, held lovingly in place by a mother’s love?

I remember you at random times and it takes all of me to hold back the tears.
I don’t feel scared or lost without you;
You left me with the most awesome support system headed by the absolute best man I know;
Zainab is only the strongest, most intelligent person I know,
Your baby boy, Musa, is an amazing strong-willed human being who knows exactly what he wants and goes for it everday,
And you would be absolutely proud of the beautiful woman Ore is becoming everyday;
Saying I am proud of these 3 everyday is an understatenent.

However, I wonder and sometimes worry; would you be proud of me?
Am I the current best version of me?
Could I have been better for now?
Am I doing life right?

There’s absolutely no reason to be dwelling on thoughts such as this.
Afterall, life is for the living and I should focus on being the best I can at it.

But on some days, like today, I remember, I feel everything and I absolutely miss you.

And sometimes, it takes all of me to hold back from saying “…and my mom’s birthday is the 23rd”


©Adeola Matemilola 2016
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The Climb


I imagine I’m 80

I imagine I sit on the porch facing the sun, staring out into the beautiful distance and seeing the pictures and videos of my life as though its a movie;
the things I’ve done, the experiences I’ve had, the “friends for life”
I imagine I remember the trip I took around the world in my 20s, the beautiful countries, the new and exciting experiences
I imagine I remember smiling fondly to myself at the memories running through my mind
I imagine I remember having the greatest time ever, I imagine I was very happy and excited and nothing could top that feeling
I imagine I remember sitting around, hanging out, acting silly with friends, I can’t exactly remember what we are laughing about but the various pictures of us laughing seem enough, I’m content with that.
They run through my mind like scenes of a movie on fast forward
I imagine I remember my job that seemed to come so easily to me when others thought it was stressful,
I imagine I remember the fun and fulfillment I got from it, traveling, doing my part to make the world that much better
I imagine I remember falling in love and it was exactly as it was described in that old Mary-Kate and Ashley movie;
“its that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world-series kinda thing”
I imagine I remember that feeling being the absolute best I had ever felt
I imagine I remember the interesting things I did, the stupid things, the odd things, the totally strange things, the firsts; bungee jumping, paragliding, swimming in the Mediterranean, roller skating, bowling, snow-boarding…
I imagine I remember the chances I took

I imagine I remember the day I decided that I needed to begin to live my life for me, the day I decided that my life needed to be like a blockbuster that sells out in the first 2 days, rather than a low-budget movie that people appreciate but would rather not own a copy of.

I figure that could very well be today.
I open my eyes and begin my climb.