I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

23rd December is just another day now.

It would have been your birthday today; so many years have passed and I barely even think about it much or get sad about it.
But on some days, like today, I do, I remember and I feel it all.

What would it have been like, if you were still here?
Would my life be any different?
Would I live here?
Would I have this job?
Would I be married?
Would I have kids?
Would I be travelling the world?
Would I be even more broken?
Would my pieces have come together, held lovingly in place by a mother’s love?

I remember you at random times and it takes all of me to hold back the tears.
I don’t feel scared or lost without you;
You left me with the most awesome support system headed by the absolute best man I know;
Zainab is only the strongest, most intelligent person I know,
Your baby boy, Musa, is an amazing strong-willed human being who knows exactly what he wants and goes for it everday,
And you would be absolutely proud of the beautiful woman Ore is becoming everyday;
Saying I am proud of these 3 everyday is an understatenent.

However, I wonder and sometimes worry; would you be proud of me?
Am I the current best version of me?
Could I have been better for now?
Am I doing life right?

There’s absolutely no reason to be dwelling on thoughts such as this.
Afterall, life is for the living and I should focus on being the best I can at it.

But on some days, like today, I remember, I feel everything and I absolutely miss you.

And sometimes, it takes all of me to hold back from saying “…and my mom’s birthday is the 23rd”

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2016
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Climb

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I imagine I’m 80

I imagine I sit on the porch facing the sun, staring out into the beautiful distance and seeing the pictures and videos of my life as though its a movie;
the things I’ve done, the experiences I’ve had, the “friends for life”
I imagine I remember the trip I took around the world in my 20s, the beautiful countries, the new and exciting experiences
I imagine I remember smiling fondly to myself at the memories running through my mind
I imagine I remember having the greatest time ever, I imagine I was very happy and excited and nothing could top that feeling
I imagine I remember sitting around, hanging out, acting silly with friends, I can’t exactly remember what we are laughing about but the various pictures of us laughing seem enough, I’m content with that.
They run through my mind like scenes of a movie on fast forward
I imagine I remember my job that seemed to come so easily to me when others thought it was stressful,
I imagine I remember the fun and fulfillment I got from it, traveling, doing my part to make the world that much better
I imagine I remember falling in love and it was exactly as it was described in that old Mary-Kate and Ashley movie;
“its that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world-series kinda thing”
I imagine I remember that feeling being the absolute best I had ever felt
I imagine I remember the interesting things I did, the stupid things, the odd things, the totally strange things, the firsts; bungee jumping, paragliding, swimming in the Mediterranean, roller skating, bowling, snow-boarding…
I imagine I remember the chances I took

I imagine I remember the day I decided that I needed to begin to live my life for me, the day I decided that my life needed to be like a blockbuster that sells out in the first 2 days, rather than a low-budget movie that people appreciate but would rather not own a copy of.

I figure that could very well be today.
I open my eyes and begin my climb.