I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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H.O.P.E

Dark days, these days
Who woulda thought?
When just a few years ago,
We were young and carefree,
Teenagers without a care in the world,
When our most important problems were the boys we liked and which friends were snitching,
Physics, maths and chemistry were the best,
Government, literature and yoruba we looked down on,
It was all fun though.
Who woulda thought?
That it would end like this?
Who woulda thought?
That one by one, we’d drop,
Like over-ripe mangoes off of the tree,
One… Two… Three…
Is that all? Do I dare hope?

But life goes on right? While we wait…?


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

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Straits

I open my eyes,
It’s a brand new day,
My heart whispers “Thank you, Jesus”
I squeeze my eyes shut,
Clench my fists,
Open my mouth wide and then I hear it,
It comes from deep within me,
From the very core of my spirit,
I scream as loudly as I can,
Lying on my bed as I am,
In that scream is a twisted mass of emotions;
failures, successes, joys, pains, frustrations…
Life truly has been “like a box of chocolates”
Filled with untold surprises
As the scream gets louder and longer,
I begin to feel lighter, in my heart and in my spirit,
Gradually, it dies away
I unclench my fists, open my eyes,
I say “Thank you, Jesus”,
Say my prayers,
Smile and get out of bed,
A beautiful day begins.


©Adeola Matemilola 2014

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Same pain…different sides

Maybe this is none of my business.
Maybe I’m too far removed from it to have an opinion.
But I do… these are people just like me,
These are black people just like me,
Am I finally the luckier one of us because I was born and raised in my own native country,
Did I get the better deal because I cannot be shot down or choked out because of my skin colour,
I wonder, do they envy me my “freedom”, “poverty”, high-illiteracy rate”, “power outage”…
I wonder, would they trade places with me?
Then it occurs to me that there are so many young men in my country who would happily trade places,
Who would criticize the need to complain about a few people getting killed or locked up once in a while,
Then it occurs to me how humans simply live in perspectives or perceptions, we’re greedy and selfish, too self-involved
Because this is what they know… illiteracy, unemployment, poverty, government corruption, boko-haram
In their minds, this is the worst life could ever be
It couldn’t possibly get any worse than this, can it?

But imagine the husband, father, brother, son, whose only crime was breaking up a fight,
Imagine the young boy whose only crime was jaywalking,
Imagine the young boy whose only crime was going to the store after 1am,
Imagine the young mother whose only crime was firing warning shots to scare off the assailant that attacked her while she was walking home with her son,
Imagine a life where black young boys learn how to hide from the police before they learn to read; learnt that “snitching” to the police is not acceptable,
Imagine a life where a police car driving by feels like when the music stops in a game of musical chairs,
Imagine a life where young black boys are forced to grow up before they should; getting ready for a war that they know will eventually reach them,

It scares me to think about how another young black man in America could get killed tomorrow for no real reason,
It scares me to think about how another struggling black woman in America could get thrown in jail for life tomorrow just because,
It scares me to think about how another 100 students in Nigeria could get blown to bits tomorrow for no reason,
It scares me to think about how a Mosque/Church filled with worshipers in Nigeria could get blown up tomorrow just because,
it scares me… there are demons everywhere…

Then I realize in the game of life, there are actually no perspectives, we all see/experience the same shit, we’re just standing on different sides of the fire. But we feel the flames the same… it’s the same helplessness, the same hopelessness, the same senselessness.
All we really have left is faith… faith to keep us and strengthen us through all of this senselessness.

#equalrights #equality #blacklivesmatter #crimingwhilewhite #alivewhileblack #handsupdontshoot #icantbreathe


©Adeola Matemilola 2014

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Her hands. His hands

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Hers were the first hands that mattered that held me
His were a close second
I don’t actually remember it
But I still feel the imprints of those hands in my heart
She held and nurtured me
He taught and kept me
through the good and not so good
these hands; four hands; two pairs
they fed me, soothed me, smacked me, tickled me, hugged me, held me close
they were hard when they needed to be
they were soft all the rest of the time
they taught me love, respect, hope, strength, perseverance
they taught me how to love, laugh, dance, fail, succeed, share, give and how to handle whatever comes
these hands taught me faith and trust; in them, in self, in others, in humanity, in God
Those hands; four hands, 2 pairs
now 2 hands, 1 pair, 2 hands
that faith and trust in God makes it okay
I am thankful


©Adeola Matemilola 2014

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Loosing Faith

I took a trip this weekend, sort of like a vacation with the semester
I was at a point where I might as well have been operating on automatic, everything felt like a chore, I felt like I was constantly in slow motion; that doesn’t work well with 5 masters classes and a job
I felt like I was drowning, I felt like I was suffocating, the only light I saw seemed to simply scream ‘Give Up’, shining brightly like the neon lights showing the way to an exit
so I took my vacation from work, missed my Thursday evening and Friday classes and took a long weekend.
I went out of the Country. I didn’t go very far.
I came back feeling worse than when I left
I seemed to have lost faith in everything
I just couldn’t see the point… of anything
I was soooo tired. I was just tired.
And I couldn’t even say why.

My best friend.
He’s Awesome!
I finally spoke to him, finally found some time in my “busy life”
I typed and I cried, I talked and I cried… I let it all out
The serious issues, the silly things
The things I could explain, the ones that didn’t even make sense at all
And he listened, sometimes, he didn’t even try to make sense of it, he just listened
And then I suddenly saw some new light and it didn’t say ‘give up’
I finally took a breath
I finally felt the load lift away
I used to say I didn’t believe in the “concept” of best friends
But I am so glad I have one.

Jesus Christ.
He’s Amazing!
I finally found my way back to Him
I’ve been “so busy”, saying a very short prayer seemed all I was capable of
But in the last few days,
I’m finding myself again
I’m re-discovering who Jesus Christ is to me
It’s Christmas-time after all, what better time than now?
This special relationship was meant to be
He loves me and it’s on me that I forget that sometimes

It’s the 20th day in December; 2 days to my birthday, 5 days to Christmas
And I am excited about everything

I simply needed to remember “talk, talk, talk, it always helps”

My best friend; I love you N. Thank you for always being there when I fall back. Thank you for being you.
Jesus Christ; The one who loves me even when I’m unworthy. I’m overwhelmed by your love and patience towards me.

Adeola Matemilola