It’s okay not to be okay

I’m tired. That’s how I usually explain it.

Some days, I wake up and I’m the happiest I have ever been, I feel this excitement straight from deep within which cannot be explained and I don’t usually stop to think about it because for me, that’s a gift. A gift I must hold tightly onto, and enjoy every single second of, because once that’s gone, I don’t know when it will come around again. Especially, now.

Most days, I wake up and I’m anxious; an unexplainable anxiety clawing at my insides, making everything an effort, making every action difficult.
On the really dark days, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to see anybody or speak to anybody, everything is an effort, my phone rings and my heart starts beating really fast. I hear people moving around the house, and my heart starts beating fast that they might come to speak to me, that they might require me to be normal.

My life isn’t sad. I have an absolutely awesome family. My dad has spent his life making sure that we have the best kind of love. I have amazing friends who care about me and who “know” me… I have every reason to be thankful, to be happy, to be beyond happy. There’s so much good in my life.

And yet, I am not happy.

And I have gotten so good at hiding it, at trying so hard to just be. I pretend I’m happy, I pretend I’m having fun, I pretend I want to be there, I pretend I’m fine. I try really hard because I don’t want to feel like this, It’s like this constant drowning feeling, or as if something is weighing me down. One day, I am so happy and the next day, like a switch was flipped in my head, I’m not.

I don’t know how to be happy. This sounds like a completely horrible thing but I simply can’t let go enough, this anxiety doesn’t ease up enough. And fun? its just not that much fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun.

And now, recently, it’s gotten even worse, my okay days are far between. Those days when I don’t want to get out of bed are the most common; so if I do get up, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to hear my thoughts, I just want to push through the day and get it over with.

I’m tired though. And now, I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine. I’m tired of making the effort when I really don’t want to. I never know how to explain this, I never have the words, so I just say I’m tired… in my mind.
And I’m ashamed of how I feel, so I pretend that I’m not feeling it. I pretend I am fine. I put on a big smile and tell my therapist “everything is awesome”. And I’ve gotten so good at it. I’ve been doing it for years.
Crying one minute and laughing on the phone the next.
I’ve learnt to keep the tears on one side and continue when I’m alone. I’ve learnt to cry in a crowd and no one notices.
I’ve learnt how to pretend I’m fine.

Why am I writing this?
For two sets of people; someone who gets it and someone who needs someone to get it.

Talk to someone, it will help. tell them exactly how you feel, in the words you feel them, it feels stupid, I know, but just say them, with that one person, at least, you’ll feel less crazy, the voices will quieten, you won’t be so scared of the silence.

I’m trying to not be so ashamed of this; maybe it’s okay not to have an answer when someone asks, “why are you sad?”

The first day, I saw my therapist, she told me that “a suicide attempt is a crime punishable by jail-time in this country”… I’m not afraid of dying though. Most of the time, I’m afraid of living… But I won’t stop, I won’t quit.

I wrote these lines a long time ago “I’ll work it out, I’ll see you through, this is the life I meant for you”.

So, I simply have to remember that I don’t have to struggle alone, I don’t have to do it all by my own effort.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Her hands. His hands

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Hers were the first hands that mattered that held me
His were a close second
I don’t actually remember it
But I still feel the imprints of those hands in my heart
She held and nurtured me
He taught and kept me
through the good and not so good
these hands; four hands; two pairs
they fed me, soothed me, smacked me, tickled me, hugged me, held me close
they were hard when they needed to be
they were soft all the rest of the time
they taught me love, respect, hope, strength, perseverance
they taught me how to love, laugh, dance, fail, succeed, share, give and how to handle whatever comes
these hands taught me faith and trust; in them, in self, in others, in humanity, in God
Those hands; four hands, 2 pairs
now 2 hands, 1 pair, 2 hands
that faith and trust in God makes it okay
I am thankful


©Adeola Matemilola 2014

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Yesterday’s Babies

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Whenever I look at you, I am immediately struck by the intelligence with which an intelligent God made you; You are amazing. It’s as simple as that. There are really no words. It just always shines through. Dreams; you have in abundance, you keep your eyes on the prize and you realize that time doesn’t stand still, so every second matters. Strength; with all that life has thrown your way, you hold close those memories, good and bad, clutch them in your hands, clasp those hands behind you and let them fuel your drive Faith; believing that God’s perfect plan and will for you comes through for you daily and gradually, you allow yourself to feel life and feel love and know that He will never leave you to do it alone. Your ability to love and accept through anything baffles me to no end… I really would like to take some credit for the way you have turned out, for the beautiful-ness that is your lives, but this… is all you.

As you go forward, my prayers and wishes are simple; that you continue to shine beautifully from the inside, that all of your dreams come true, that your life becomes all that you want it to be and so much more and that as celebrating milestones go, this is just the beginning.

Like she said, “You can only go as far as you can dream, NEVER stop dreaming”.

Are you happy?

Jan’s rocking chair squeaks slightly as she rocks back and forth, back and forth…
She closes her eyes and heaves a sigh…

She opens her eyes to see her mom gently waking her from sleep, it’s graduation day!
The main point of the graduation speech is “What makes you happy?”

Jan and her best friend go on to the same university, are room mates, spend four years strenghtening the bonds of their friendship, supporting each other through boyfriends, crushes, exams, tests, partying and all.
Unfortunately, their friendship sort of wan thin after school, they hardly speak anymore.

Jan looks up from her laptop screen as her assistant walks into her office, she signs the documents appropriately and as her assistant leaves, turns around to look out at the view through her office window.

Jan looks through her veil as she walks down the aisle with her dad towards the man she loved more than life itself, she could hardly contain her joy as tears streamed down her face.

Jan looks up from the bills on the table at her husband who also looks quite worried, thinking about how they would pay all their bills this month, even though they both feel quite irritated and on edge at the moment, they know in their hearts that life will definitely get much better.

Jan is awakened by a continuous bouncing of the bed, she opens her eyes to see the sweet little face of her 3-year old, she gives him a tight hug and gently pats his bum as she sends him on his way to get his brother and sister out of their rooms.

Jan looks up through the trees at the sky, she is lying on a blanket under the shadow of some trees with her head on her husband legs while the kids played around them.
Her husband bends to kiss her lightly on the lips and he tells her how he loves her and how lucky he is to have her in his life. She feels exactly the same way.

Jan takes a sip from her wine glass as she listens to her friends’ chatter all around her, she laughs hard at something one of them said, they crack her up so much, the silly girls.

Jan struggles not to cry as they drive through the college gates, it’s her son’s first day at college and he is so excited, she sees in his face the hope and promise she felt on her first day of university.

Jan takes a deep breath and struggles to hold her anger in check as she looks at her daughter who in her own words “got pregnant by accident”, she knew though that no matter how angry she felt, she couldn’t cast her daughter away, one mistake didn’t mean she didn’t still have a bright future.

Jan smiles brightly through her tears as she poses for a photo with her family, it’s her daughter’s college graduation and little Tommy who is now 5 years old skips around his mother as she stood resplendent in her graduation gown, she turns to Jan and hugs her tightly, little Tommy sees this and runs towards them to wrap his arms around their legs, as he shouts in his beautiful tiny voice “group hug”, the family all draw in, laughing as they hugged, lost in their own little world

Jan opens her eyes to see little Tommy’s angelic face beside hers, He is 7 years old now, he climbs onto her lap.
She suddenly hears singing voices from behind her as her entire family start to come out onto the porch “Happy birthday to you…”
It’s Jan’s birthday today, she is 75 years old.
She looks into the faces of her husband who she has only gotten to love more and more over the years, her children, her grandchildren.

She looks into their eyes with a huge smile on her face, and tears of joy in her eyes, her eyes and face a reflection of the love and excitement shining in theirs.

Jan takes a deep breath and whispers to herself “what hasn’t made me happy?”