Beneath I’m beautiful?

I’m not scared you won’t want me,
I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to accept you wanting me,
The feeling of letting go so completely, of believing that there is someone out there capable of loving me through all of my mess seems way too impossible.

I’ve worn this mask for so long,
It’s now not so much that I can’t take it off, it’s that I’m scared to.
Fear; that’s what drives me now, not that you’d know it by looking at me.
I hide it well.
I hide it behind my anger, I hide it beneath my laughter, I hide it within my room, I hide it in a bottle.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

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Live Actually.

Resisting… That’s all you’ve known,

Now you’re grown and resistance has become you,

Flowing through your veins like passion and blood,

Causing you to lose what should have been gain,

Causing you to live on the outside of the circle constantly… In fear of getting noticed.

Let go child, life is meant to be lived, not observed.

Fly, child, fly, let the eagle in you out and let the snail die.


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Complicated Love

They say in a relationship, the power lies with the person who cares less,
But I wonder what the point of loving would be if you can’t fully show it,
What the joy in love would be, if you have to calculate and be constantly careful how much “love” you show at any time.
Remember when we were kids? It was all so easy, wasn’t it?
You liked someone, you shared your sweets with them, you didn’t like them, you didn’t share.
And when you love anybody, it was evident in every way.
When did it all get so complicated?
Why did it all get so complicated?
When did love become synomymous with fear?
Why doesn’t love go together equally with joy and freedom anymore?


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I should never have seen ‘The Butler’

I had been putting off seeing the movie ‘The Butler’ for a long time, I don’t know why, I really wanted to see it but I couldn’t bring my self to do it.

I finally saw it yesterday, and I now realize I SHOULDN’T HAVE SEEN IT!
It just took me on a wild ride of emotions, one minute I was shocked, then I was angry, then I was sad, this is the first movie I’ve seen in a while that brought me really close to crying.

2 main things that have been running through my mind since I saw that movie
First, I really don’t understand how some hearts hold so much wickedness, so much hatred?
There’s really no other way to describe that than as hatred? and for what purpose. the scene in the movie where the KKK people attacked the freedom bus haunts me still… there was so much hatred on their faces, like it was a spirit just pushing them. I would really love to talk to one of them and just find out why? Like what was the main reason? What was their vision maybe?

And the second thing is that sometimes, the same experiences mean different things to different people. Consider this… when Obama became president, everybody started talking about how great it was that an African could be president in America but even though we all thought it was awesome, for an African person who lived through the 50s and 60s in America, it represents a whole lot more.
Its the same way that we all talk about Mandela and everything he did, for some of us, no matter how much we connect to it, we still will never fully understand it.

I’m guessing that’s why its easy for us to throw around cuss word like “Nigga” and “bitches” because we just don’t know, we don’t feel the pain that those words once caused, we don’t understand the hatred that fueled those words.
We might say things have changed and words have evolved, but that’s not true… for everyone who lived and died through those words and times, though they move on and and maybe live on, every time someone throws around those words like it means absolutely nothing, I see them wince and gasp in pain as they feel the lashes across their backs once again.

*pheeww***

On to the next one – “12 Years a Slave”

Mirror, Mirror…

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who’s the fairest of them all?
Not on the outside, but the in
I’d like to know what others see

Do you ever wonder when you leave your home in the morning, all spruced up and looking to “die for”
If your attitude will reflect the outer beauty? Are you ever worried that someone will see past that outer beauty to the inside?
Apart from that, do you want anyone see the pain you carry on the inside?
When you laugh so hard at a joke your friends tell, while you weep on the inside with tears so hot, they could be burning through your chest?
Are you glad no one sees that?
or do you wish they would?
Do you wish someone could hear your heart screaming out “HELP ME… HELP ME!!!” repeatedly?

Standing at the kitchen sink at night, looking out the window, do you feel a strange sort of peace staring at the lights shining through your neighbor’s window?
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have that life instead of yours?
Do you ever think about your life and see how blessed you are and still feel this feeling inside that you cannot explain?
Do you ever long for love when you already have so much love and you just don’t understand it?
Do you ever wish and wish and wish… that someone would just understand?

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Hear my whispered prayer to God
Unto You alone I look… heal my heart, whether it be broken or not