I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It’s okay not to be okay

I’m tired. That’s how I usually explain it.

Some days, I wake up and I’m the happiest I have ever been, I feel this excitement straight from deep within which cannot be explained and I don’t usually stop to think about it because for me, that’s a gift. A gift I must hold tightly onto, and enjoy every single second of, because once that’s gone, I don’t know when it will come around again. Especially, now.

Most days, I wake up and I’m anxious; an unexplainable anxiety clawing at my insides, making everything an effort, making every action difficult.
On the really dark days, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to see anybody or speak to anybody, everything is an effort, my phone rings and my heart starts beating really fast. I hear people moving around the house, and my heart starts beating fast that they might come to speak to me, that they might require me to be normal.

My life isn’t sad. I have an absolutely awesome family. My dad has spent his life making sure that we have the best kind of love. I have amazing friends who care about me and who “know” me… I have every reason to be thankful, to be happy, to be beyond happy. There’s so much good in my life.

And yet, I am not happy.

And I have gotten so good at hiding it, at trying so hard to just be. I pretend I’m happy, I pretend I’m having fun, I pretend I want to be there, I pretend I’m fine. I try really hard because I don’t want to feel like this, It’s like this constant drowning feeling, or as if something is weighing me down. One day, I am so happy and the next day, like a switch was flipped in my head, I’m not.

I don’t know how to be happy. This sounds like a completely horrible thing but I simply can’t let go enough, this anxiety doesn’t ease up enough. And fun? its just not that much fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun.

And now, recently, it’s gotten even worse, my okay days are far between. Those days when I don’t want to get out of bed are the most common; so if I do get up, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to hear my thoughts, I just want to push through the day and get it over with.

I’m tired though. And now, I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine. I’m tired of making the effort when I really don’t want to. I never know how to explain this, I never have the words, so I just say I’m tired… in my mind.
And I’m ashamed of how I feel, so I pretend that I’m not feeling it. I pretend I am fine. I put on a big smile and tell my therapist “everything is awesome”. And I’ve gotten so good at it. I’ve been doing it for years.
Crying one minute and laughing on the phone the next.
I’ve learnt to keep the tears on one side and continue when I’m alone. I’ve learnt to cry in a crowd and no one notices.
I’ve learnt how to pretend I’m fine.

Why am I writing this?
For two sets of people; someone who gets it and someone who needs someone to get it.

Talk to someone, it will help. tell them exactly how you feel, in the words you feel them, it feels stupid, I know, but just say them, with that one person, at least, you’ll feel less crazy, the voices will quieten, you won’t be so scared of the silence.

I’m trying to not be so ashamed of this; maybe it’s okay not to have an answer when someone asks, “why are you sad?”

The first day, I saw my therapist, she told me that “a suicide attempt is a crime punishable by jail-time in this country”… I’m not afraid of dying though. Most of the time, I’m afraid of living… But I won’t stop, I won’t quit.

I wrote these lines a long time ago “I’ll work it out, I’ll see you through, this is the life I meant for you”.

So, I simply have to remember that I don’t have to struggle alone, I don’t have to do it all by my own effort.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Let’s run away

Let’s do it… right now,
Let’s not think about it,
Eyes opened or closed; it doesn’t matter,
Just imagine…
Let’s let the wind sweep us off our feet,
Let it take us where it may,
Let’s abandon the fear of the known and the unknown,
Replaced with a nervous excitement of come-what-mays,
The fights, the laughs, the moments that take our breath away.
But how long would this last? Who cares?
Let’s do it, let’s take nothing along, let’s run away.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Daydreamer Award

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A huge thank you to Blog Creatifa for the Daydreamer award, I an extremely honoured.

The award is for the blogs that make, you laugh, are inspiring, provoke your curiosity or are just unbelievably creative.
When you do receive the award, make a post and follow these steps:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Complete the challenge they set you.
3. Select a blog or blogs that you want to give the award to. (The amount of blogs you select is unlimited!)
4. Tell them about it and set them a challenge.
(Copy and paste the rules on your own blog )

The challenge set by Blog Creatifa is to Write a poem about what inspired you to start your blog or what motivates you to keep blogging.

So here goes…

There once was a little girl who found life and friendships in the pages of books… Who’s very enthusiastic response to the question “what would you like as a birthday present?” was always “A book”.

See, her family moved around a lot and so, while this little girl couldn’t hold on to physical friendships for long periods, her friends came alive in the pages of all her books and pretty soon, she started to come up with her own characters.

People that shared adventures and fun times with her, they became real to her, these weren’t like voices in her head, she wasn’t crazy lol… But she started to write, every time and every where.

She wrote to entertain herself,
She wrote to release herself,
She wrote to express herself;
to shed/share her joys, pains, frustrations.
She wrote to give words to feelings that couldn’t be easily expressed by everyone.
She wrote to transport people from their reality into a beautiful, make-believe world.
That little girl grew up to be me.

So why do I write?

Simply because I cannot not write.


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Complicated Love

They say in a relationship, the power lies with the person who cares less,
But I wonder what the point of loving would be if you can’t fully show it,
What the joy in love would be, if you have to calculate and be constantly careful how much “love” you show at any time.
Remember when we were kids? It was all so easy, wasn’t it?
You liked someone, you shared your sweets with them, you didn’t like them, you didn’t share.
And when you love anybody, it was evident in every way.
When did it all get so complicated?
Why did it all get so complicated?
When did love become synomymous with fear?
Why doesn’t love go together equally with joy and freedom anymore?


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

H.O.P.E

Dark days, these days
Who woulda thought?
When just a few years ago,
We were young and carefree,
Teenagers without a care in the world,
When our most important problems were the boys we liked and which friends were snitching,
Physics, maths and chemistry were the best,
Government, literature and yoruba we looked down on,
It was all fun though.
Who woulda thought?
That it would end like this?
Who woulda thought?
That one by one, we’d drop,
Like over-ripe mangoes off of the tree,
One… Two… Three…
Is that all? Do I dare hope?

But life goes on right? While we wait…?


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Aside

This was written by a friend as a reponse to a post I put up a few days ago, he says I sort of motivated him to write after a little downtime. Yay me!!! Lol You’re welcome Kingsley:-P
But seriously, this is absolutely awesome, I just had to post it. Enjoy. And please visit his blog here. He’s Awesome, Awesome, Awesome and I mean that 😀

You knew the words before I spoke them. You saw them coming – you recognized them.
As they dripped down my face and cascaded out of my mouth,you took them with a pitiful welcome.
I see what it does to you. I can count every piece of you that breaks away and I can stitch every shred of your heart that rips apart.

I say the words, “I just need to find myself.” But I never say them without a bile in my throat.
I don’t walk away from you, I walk away for you.
There’s a man I need to find. I keep coming back without him.

I, too, cannot unlove you. Let me prove it – let me go away and find me – and come back a bigger man.
The kind who would clothe you in gold and drive with you in fancy cars.
The kind who can take you on a voyage round the world and feel the glow of the moon with you from all its sides.
The kind whom you have always deserved.

I will miss you with a feverish shudder.
But I won’t let you down this time. I won’t come back till I find me.
And then I will never have to leave again.
I will have a whole life spread ahead of us to show you that you’re neither a piece of block, nor a stone, nor a play thing.
You’re a real life person – the best of your kind to walk this earth.
And, of course, I should know that.

Read the first part here.

Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love?
Now that was a trick question, and it’s unfortunate that so many of you fell for it and immediately started considering one single obvious angle to that question.

Consider these;
Have you ever had the window seat on an airplane and just stared out thinking how beautiful and wondrous it all is?
Have you ever sat on a balcony or stared out your window at a sunrise or sunset and felt your heart do a wonderful little dance in your chest?
Have you gazed at the sky at night wondering what the starts and the moon and the galaxies up there are doing for fun?
Have you ever been addicted to apples, coca-cola or something and you just had to have it everyday and always when that time approaches for you to have it, you feel a little light come on and you’re just inexplicably happy?
Have you ever seen a baby or a puppy or a kitten and just felt like you could hold one forever?
Have you ever done something for another person without expecting anything in return but you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when they smile at you and you see their eyes twinkle?

Love is not a function of how many “lovers” we’ve had but human beings have succeeded in making something that should be so simple, so complex.

We feel love when we gaze at a sunset, rescue a cat stuck up in a tree, feed that puppy looking up at us with pleading eyes at an outdoor restaurant, hear the unrestrained laughter of a baby, feel joy when we are about to eat a favorite food or visit a favorite friend; hang out with friends and have such a good time, we can’t imagine it getting any better…

Love is not contained in just what we feel for “the one”.

Love is actually all around us.

The Climb

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I imagine I’m 80

I imagine I sit on the porch facing the sun, staring out into the beautiful distance and seeing the pictures and videos of my life as though its a movie;
the things I’ve done, the experiences I’ve had, the “friends for life”
I imagine I remember the trip I took around the world in my 20s, the beautiful countries, the new and exciting experiences
I imagine I remember smiling fondly to myself at the memories running through my mind
I imagine I remember having the greatest time ever, I imagine I was very happy and excited and nothing could top that feeling
I imagine I remember sitting around, hanging out, acting silly with friends, I can’t exactly remember what we are laughing about but the various pictures of us laughing seem enough, I’m content with that.
They run through my mind like scenes of a movie on fast forward
I imagine I remember my job that seemed to come so easily to me when others thought it was stressful,
I imagine I remember the fun and fulfillment I got from it, traveling, doing my part to make the world that much better
I imagine I remember falling in love and it was exactly as it was described in that old Mary-Kate and Ashley movie;
“its that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world-series kinda thing”
I imagine I remember that feeling being the absolute best I had ever felt
I imagine I remember the interesting things I did, the stupid things, the odd things, the totally strange things, the firsts; bungee jumping, paragliding, swimming in the Mediterranean, roller skating, bowling, snow-boarding…
I imagine I remember the chances I took

I imagine I remember the day I decided that I needed to begin to live my life for me, the day I decided that my life needed to be like a blockbuster that sells out in the first 2 days, rather than a low-budget movie that people appreciate but would rather not own a copy of.

I figure that could very well be today.
I open my eyes and begin my climb.