I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

BTI 001

Alone. Lonely.
They say there’s a difference
But each can be like an abyss that slowly swallows a person,
Like a feeling of hopelessness that settles like a weight upon your shoulders.

What does it feel like to have no one?
To have trusted wrongly for so long that trust seems unreachable.
How does one get past having “people” and yet having no one?
How does the heart handle giving and never recieving?

Pain. Abyss. Hopelessness.

Maybe the path to freedom is that paved with acceptance.

… It’s only life.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

New Year shenanigans

I was talking to a friend early this morning and I realized that I’m actually not the only person on earth who has developed an aversion to the “happy new year” craze. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited that its a new year and I am incredibly thankful to/for God and family and friends and so much I couldn’t even say but just like almost everything else in our world today (maybe technology is to blame for this, maybe not), it all seems “fake”, like everyone’s just going through the motions and just doing this because well, its Christmas or New Year’s and its expected, it feels almost like someone writing HBD on my Facebook wall or Churches filling up during periods like this… like do we actually FEEL it? Do we feel THANKFUL to be seeing another year? Do we actually wish for those blessings and things in those generic forwarded messages we send to everyone on our contact list? Do we even know exactly what those messages say or did we just read the first and last line and decided that it would do? Do we feel EXCITEMENT at the prospect of a new year? Do we see NEW possibilities? or is it just a case of “different year, same crap”?

This is what I don’t feel in the mostly generic messages I get around Christmas and New Year, and it doesn’t help that I get the exact “before the network’s get too busy” messages from so many different people… would it really be too much for you to write out how you feel about getting into a New Year or simply say “Happy New Year” and mean it, but I guess its just this “lazy culture” that’s spreading and causing us to connect less (again, maybe technology is to blame for this or maybe I’m wrong), we send a message that someone somewhere sent for the first maybe 3 Christmases ago to everyone we know and we feel satisfied that we’ve done our part and fulfilled all righteousness. Cue Next Year.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is not just to rant but it is a new year after all, so its the perfect time for that “not so cliched” new beginning, let’s try to take the time and make an extra effort to BE PRESENT this year; in our lives, with our friends, our family, with everyone we meet, let’s not just float through another year without actually seeing or living it.

That said, there’s a long list of things I’m thankful for as I move forward, however, these are things I am always thankful for, and my thanks isn’t simply limited to the New Year, but there is a list I have of random things I learnt last year, that post was originally supposed to be put up on my birthday (22nd) but… oh well. So here goes, I hope these say something to you as well:

1. Don’t be afraid to accept the ‘Happy’ life offers.

2. Everything in life is equally important; taking the perfect picture, wearing the right dress, attending a concert or a show, getting excited at the prospect o meeting a celebrity, going to work, going to class, helping someone, hanging out with friends…Don’t live like you’re too good to live. (I hope this makes sense to you)

3.Perspectives are very important; things are only as good or bad as I accept them to be. I have to be willing to change the way I see things, and then the things I see will change

4. Life isn’t made up of bucket-lists; the absolute best moments are completely unplanned. This is how memories are made.

5. You have to first give everything over to God and then these things start to fall into place… and it cannot be halfway.

6. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes; this is how you know you are living, taking chances, stretching yourself, trying new things. Mistakes help us grow. Mistakes help us do.

So, this is my new year wish for you, that you make amazingly awesome mistakes that wake you up from the inside out, that, that cause you to have that drive and excitement to want to make things better. Travel; see the world. The page has turned on the time you have left here, make sure you turn the page on your life aswell, try not to be the exact person you were on the last page.

And if I had a new year resolution, this would be it: TO BE PRESENT. EVERY TIME.


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The simple things I want

Walking on the street holding hands
Laughing hard with you at nothing
Catching you watching me when I turn to watch you
Lying on our backs on the beach watching the stars
Taking pictures everywhere
laughing hard
Looking into each others eyes
seeing only each other
Dancing close together
Hugging
Kissing
Holding hands
Kissing
Hugging
Being in love…

I just want the simple things


©Adeola Matemilola 2014

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Letting go…

Love stories do not always have happy endings,
Sometimes, all that a love story needs in order to be perfect
is a beautiful beginning and a very happy middle.

We started as friends, it wasn’t anything special
And slowly, even across the miles,
we became intimate,
It was beautiful.
The way love grew, nobody could have predicted
Then came the ups and downs; mostly downs
We fought to hold on
But it wasn’t meant to be
That “happy” was always just out of reach
We did not have the happy middle
We did not have the perfect love story
But we made what we had work
It’s been a long way getting here
But now, we can take that deep cleansing breath, let it out…
And just let go.

Letting go is not always difficult,
Sometimes, you just know it is what you must do.

November 1st, 2013 @ 20:49:52
Photo Credit: inthecac.com

The voices in her head

She sits alone and suddenly laughs out loud,

We all look at her, wondering why,

She doesn’t even notice, she’s staring at her hands

When she walks along the street, there’s a constant smile on her face

Like she has a secret she wouldn’t even know how to share

She seems to be in constant conversation with the voices in her head

She never says anything but we see it all on her face

Animated as each voice gets its turn

Shy, stupid, slow… these are words we’ve used to describe her

When all’s said and done, you might say she’s crazy,
But at least she’s happy

Sunlight. smile. happy face.

I woke up this morning, really happy and excited, the weather today is amazing… and I have been listening to this song almost non-stop, it is one of my all-time favorite songs, it just has the energy and the words to drag me out of (almost) any hollow.
So, here’s hoping everyone is having a beautiful day also.

Enjoy!

This second song is actually by The Supremes, its called ‘Put on a Happy face’
It’s such a beautiful song. However, I didn’t find a video for it by The Supremes and I love this cover made by these beautiful ladies.
I hope you enjoy it and it puts a huge, silly smile on your face as well.

Silly!

Silly!

Silly!
That’s what I call you playfully all the time
It could pass for your nickname at this point

You make me so happy

On that bright sunny afternoon, you walked into my life and it’s been a wonderful adventure since then
You lift the clouds and make the dark days bright
You make the bright days even brighter

We laugh all the time,
have all the crazy adventures we’ve both always longed for
I tell you I’m brave enough now cos I’ve found my partner
You too… you call me your partner in crime

We have our inside jokes that no one else knows,
they probably wouldn’t get it anyways

We fight of course,
and we are both proud enough to not want to be the first to apologize
but we are in love enough to not want to waste too much time being angry at each other,
So of course, we make up

We laugh with each other
We laugh at each other
We are comfortable enough with each other, in our own skin.

We spend time together,
wanting time to speed up so we can get from one adventure to the next faster
wanting time to slow down because there’s just not enough time in forever

Yesterday, we were cuddled up on the couch, laughing hard, we were seeing our favorite TV show,
You looked at me, kissed me and called me beautiful
I laughed, shook my head and called you silly.

Are you happy?

Jan’s rocking chair squeaks slightly as she rocks back and forth, back and forth…
She closes her eyes and heaves a sigh…

She opens her eyes to see her mom gently waking her from sleep, it’s graduation day!
The main point of the graduation speech is “What makes you happy?”

Jan and her best friend go on to the same university, are room mates, spend four years strenghtening the bonds of their friendship, supporting each other through boyfriends, crushes, exams, tests, partying and all.
Unfortunately, their friendship sort of wan thin after school, they hardly speak anymore.

Jan looks up from her laptop screen as her assistant walks into her office, she signs the documents appropriately and as her assistant leaves, turns around to look out at the view through her office window.

Jan looks through her veil as she walks down the aisle with her dad towards the man she loved more than life itself, she could hardly contain her joy as tears streamed down her face.

Jan looks up from the bills on the table at her husband who also looks quite worried, thinking about how they would pay all their bills this month, even though they both feel quite irritated and on edge at the moment, they know in their hearts that life will definitely get much better.

Jan is awakened by a continuous bouncing of the bed, she opens her eyes to see the sweet little face of her 3-year old, she gives him a tight hug and gently pats his bum as she sends him on his way to get his brother and sister out of their rooms.

Jan looks up through the trees at the sky, she is lying on a blanket under the shadow of some trees with her head on her husband legs while the kids played around them.
Her husband bends to kiss her lightly on the lips and he tells her how he loves her and how lucky he is to have her in his life. She feels exactly the same way.

Jan takes a sip from her wine glass as she listens to her friends’ chatter all around her, she laughs hard at something one of them said, they crack her up so much, the silly girls.

Jan struggles not to cry as they drive through the college gates, it’s her son’s first day at college and he is so excited, she sees in his face the hope and promise she felt on her first day of university.

Jan takes a deep breath and struggles to hold her anger in check as she looks at her daughter who in her own words “got pregnant by accident”, she knew though that no matter how angry she felt, she couldn’t cast her daughter away, one mistake didn’t mean she didn’t still have a bright future.

Jan smiles brightly through her tears as she poses for a photo with her family, it’s her daughter’s college graduation and little Tommy who is now 5 years old skips around his mother as she stood resplendent in her graduation gown, she turns to Jan and hugs her tightly, little Tommy sees this and runs towards them to wrap his arms around their legs, as he shouts in his beautiful tiny voice “group hug”, the family all draw in, laughing as they hugged, lost in their own little world

Jan opens her eyes to see little Tommy’s angelic face beside hers, He is 7 years old now, he climbs onto her lap.
She suddenly hears singing voices from behind her as her entire family start to come out onto the porch “Happy birthday to you…”
It’s Jan’s birthday today, she is 75 years old.
She looks into the faces of her husband who she has only gotten to love more and more over the years, her children, her grandchildren.

She looks into their eyes with a huge smile on her face, and tears of joy in her eyes, her eyes and face a reflection of the love and excitement shining in theirs.

Jan takes a deep breath and whispers to herself “what hasn’t made me happy?”

A Lonely Night

Collage

“This is my temporary home, it’s not where I belong, windows and rooms that I’m passing through, this is just a stop on the way to where I’m going, I’m not afraid because I know, this is my temporary home”

My room, my house, my space, my own,
Dinner for one, music I like, dancing with myself
A feeling of immense satisfaction filling my heart and mind and I laugh at myself for getting a dance move wrong

My mind wanders back in time to another time in another place when I got the same dance move wrong and my friends and I laughed so hard, our sides hurt
I smile fondly to myself, thinking how I miss them so

Tonight, I’m alone in my room, with just those memories for company,
Introducing them to new ones I’m making, albeit with myself,
I look to a future time when I will share these memories with my friends,
Thereby making it theirs as much as mine

Tonight, I’m alone, but I have my memories for company; past, present and future
Therefore, though I am alone, I am never lonely