I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

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“if only” “if only” “if only”
“if only” “if only” “if only”
“if only” “if only” “if only”
“if only” “if only” “if only”
“if only” “if only” “if only”

The words floated around her like gently falling raindrops.

She somehow knew that this wishing, especially in the state she was in, made no sense.
What was she exactly?
There was this strange, yet sort of peaceful weightlessness about her; it felt like she was there and not there.
She was somewhat aware of her surrounding but not in the way she was used to, it felt like she was feeling with every part of her body, almost as if something covered her all over, just barely touching her skin, like an invisible, weightless Iron-man suit.

Well… if only she had gotten in that cab that morning,
if only she had taken that cab to that hospital, if only she had seen that Neurologist like that doctor had said she should when she had seen him with complaints of that terrible migraine.
But school had been important today, wait, was that still today?
She realized she had absolutely no sense of time anymore, like she now existed on sort sort of parallel universe.
Anyway, school had been important, there was the quiz, the paper presentation, she couldn’t miss those, she couldn’t affort to get bad grades.
That Neurologist at that hospital would still be there tomorrow, she ignored the voice that whispered to her that tomorrow wasn’t a good day for that hospital either, there was work and important school stuff.
She knew she probably wouldn’t go tomorrow. She finally convinced herself though. That hospital could wait.

Now she wonders why she never once asked herself if her head could wait.
Now it was over.
Now her grades and her job have ceased to exist.
She only hoped she wouldn’t be forever trapped in this “if only” rain.
Now she was dead.