Butterflies and aching

Today, you smiled at me and my heart stopped, I held still, couldn’t breathe, I willed time to stand still, this moment to last forever.

I tried to convince myself that it didn’t really mean anything, it was just a smile but my imagination already had us out on a first date, taking a walk on a beach, lying in the grass looking up at the stars, laughing at everything.

Last week, she told me about a boy she liked and how her heart ached that he didn’t look at her enough, that he didn’t smile at her enough.
She told me about the butterflies that had taken up permanent residence in her stomach.
How her heart ached constantly because “oh, how I need him to see me”

I had listened and smiled.

I understand it now. Because of you.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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To whom it may concern

There are days when I get so sad, that nothing makes even the slightest bit of sense; those types of days used to be far between, they are more common these days,

I get so sad that I just seem to be floating, ‘existing’, waiting…

I  may see you and laugh or even have a normal-sounding conversation but on the inside, I’m screaming and crying and waiting…

On these days, it feels like I don’t actually exist, like I’m not really here and even though, you talk to me and encourage me, it doesn’t make much sense,

I love you for trying, but my mind won’t let anything in on those days.

I’m sorry.


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Aside

My ‘ehn?’ problem

Before I left Nigeria and moved here, when someone says something to me and I do not get what they say, my basic responses were “excuse me”, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that”, “Pardon me”, “sorry?”, “what?” (Yes, I know this last one isn’t very polite). And I used to change and switch them up often.

Anyway, about 6 months ago, I heard myself, and it was a sad, sad day… that day… when I heard myself say “ehn?” when I wanted someone to repeat something they had said to me, I’m not even sure when it started exactly, but it’s probably because they don’t speak English here and I found out early on that if I say one English word, I had to spend time explaining it or trying anyway… so I would guess that this particular problem started at about the same time as I started to make sentences like “Jane, you know, yes? Yesterday, I see, in market” LMAO *sigh*

It’s both funny and sad.

Anyway, my spoken English isn’t in any danger.
I do have this ‘ehn?’ problem that I would like to kick though, I find it so annoying.
And I always hear myself after I’ve said it. I was thinking yesterday that I could try pinching myself every time I say it, then maybe, soon the memory of the pain from that will remind me to not make that totally annoying sound.

What do y’all think? I’m desperate, I need some serious help. I need to kick this problem.

Help me please!!!

Adeola Matemilola