For the days after Valentine’s

This is for those who showed the utmost love yesterday,
This is for those that bought/got chocolates and flowers and huge teddy bears,
This is for those that planned the most romantic dinners,
this is for those that treated their loved ones to massages, spa treatments, and breakfasts in bed,
This is for those that had an unforgettable day,
This is for those that felt absolutely special yesterday,
This is for those that are still in a “love coma”

But No.

Because this is really for those that don’t care about Valentine’s day,
Those people who cannot stand the pressure of the day,
Those people who are not able to live up to the perfection that they think Valentine’s is about,
Those people who would rather spend the day watching TV with a glass of wine.

And for those people who believe that Valentine’s day is really about ALL loved ones and sharing love with family and strangers,

But not really.

Because this is actually for all of us;
those who think feb 14th is a special day,
and those who think its just another day of the year,
those who love all year round
and those who love the hardest on this day.

But most importantly, this is for those who were disappointed yesterday,
Who did not spend the day the way they wanted,
Who could not spend the day with who they wanted.

Don’t you worry, tomorrow’s another day.
Love hard everyday in your own unique.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

23rd December is just another day now.

It would have been your birthday today; so many years have passed and I barely even think about it much or get sad about it.
But on some days, like today, I do, I remember and I feel it all.

What would it have been like, if you were still here?
Would my life be any different?
Would I live here?
Would I have this job?
Would I be married?
Would I have kids?
Would I be travelling the world?
Would I be even more broken?
Would my pieces have come together, held lovingly in place by a mother’s love?

I remember you at random times and it takes all of me to hold back the tears.
I don’t feel scared or lost without you;
You left me with the most awesome support system headed by the absolute best man I know;
Zainab is only the strongest, most intelligent person I know,
Your baby boy, Musa, is an amazing strong-willed human being who knows exactly what he wants and goes for it everday,
And you would be absolutely proud of the beautiful woman Ore is becoming everyday;
Saying I am proud of these 3 everyday is an understatenent.

However, I wonder and sometimes worry; would you be proud of me?
Am I the current best version of me?
Could I have been better for now?
Am I doing life right?

There’s absolutely no reason to be dwelling on thoughts such as this.
Afterall, life is for the living and I should focus on being the best I can at it.

But on some days, like today, I remember, I feel everything and I absolutely miss you.

And sometimes, it takes all of me to hold back from saying “…and my mom’s birthday is the 23rd”

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2016
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Addiction like…!

A man walks into the casino for the first time, smiling, even as he looks a little unsure; he asks about different games, takes out a couple hundred dollars and starts to tentatively play a game, he is relaxed, asks for a drink, he is having fun. Even when he loses, he takes it in stride.

He comes back two days later, a little more sure footed, he has a favourite game now, he goes straight to that table, throws his money with money confidence, handles his chips more like someone who knows where he is, and exactly what he is doing… maybe he’s meaner now, maybe he insults the dealer with every hand he loses, or maybe he’s just a nice guy who now knows and is friendly with all the dealers, he doesn’t get mad when he loses, he still just takes it in stride, he’s here to have fun afterall.

Maybe at the beginning, he only comes a few days in a month, he’s not a regular gambler, not yet… but then, his visits start to get more frequent, his bets start to get bigger, he wins a few times and get reckless… his life becomes like an exhilarating rollercoaster ride, he doesn’t go home, he stays in the casino day and night, living off of coffee and cigarettes and no sleep but he just can’t tear himself away.
He blends into the casino life, he becomes a fixture, someone you always expect to be there… and then inevitably, he crashes, the money all goes away, maybe he loses his job, maybe he’s used his house and businesses as collateral to get loans, maybe he owes a huge debt to the casino.

Then one day, you get to work and see this highroller begging some other player for a 25Euro chip, so, he can make a bet. Now, he doesn’t go home, not because he’s chasing the high but probably because he’s trying to escape the low.

There is one player here who fits this description perfectly; I really used to like and respect him but in the past couple weeks, he become a shadow of himself and it happened to quickly, it’s extremely startling. Yesterday, I saw him sitting here, looking like he was homeless, he obviously hadn’t been out of the casino in days…now, I just feel sorry for him.

To truly understand what addiction is, one simply has to visit a casino, and see first hand how it happens gradually, addiction is like a spirit that drags people in slowly and teasingly and never lets go, even after they’ve lost everything, it just keeps dragging and dragging and these people get to a point where they’ll do anything to get a small fix.
I once had a woman crying while giving me money to change into chips, she had lost so much money that day and still couldn’t stop. One of the most ironic/funniest situations I’ve ever seen was a psychology student who started coming here because he was writing a paper on the processes and effects of addiction and after the first week, he became his paper.

In my opinion, seeing the effects of gambling addiction on players is one of the saddest aspects of the job.

Casino Chronicles

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Home

That look in your eyes that completes the sentences your lips start,
that tells me I am accepted wholly and completely,

The feel of your hand grasping mine that whispers that whether things get better or not, I’ll always be safe.

And when you say “I got you baby girl, forever and always”… I know that I am home.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

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Beneath I’m beautiful?

I’m not scared you won’t want me,
I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to accept you wanting me,
The feeling of letting go so completely, of believing that there is someone out there capable of loving me through all of my mess seems way too impossible.

I’ve worn this mask for so long,
It’s now not so much that I can’t take it off, it’s that I’m scared to.
Fear; that’s what drives me now, not that you’d know it by looking at me.
I hide it well.
I hide it behind my anger, I hide it beneath my laughter, I hide it within my room, I hide it in a bottle.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It’s okay not to be okay

I’m tired. That’s how I usually explain it.

Some days, I wake up and I’m the happiest I have ever been, I feel this excitement straight from deep within which cannot be explained and I don’t usually stop to think about it because for me, that’s a gift. A gift I must hold tightly onto, and enjoy every single second of, because once that’s gone, I don’t know when it will come around again. Especially, now.

Most days, I wake up and I’m anxious; an unexplainable anxiety clawing at my insides, making everything an effort, making every action difficult.
On the really dark days, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to see anybody or speak to anybody, everything is an effort, my phone rings and my heart starts beating really fast. I hear people moving around the house, and my heart starts beating fast that they might come to speak to me, that they might require me to be normal.

My life isn’t sad. I have an absolutely awesome family. My dad has spent his life making sure that we have the best kind of love. I have amazing friends who care about me and who “know” me… I have every reason to be thankful, to be happy, to be beyond happy. There’s so much good in my life.

And yet, I am not happy.

And I have gotten so good at hiding it, at trying so hard to just be. I pretend I’m happy, I pretend I’m having fun, I pretend I want to be there, I pretend I’m fine. I try really hard because I don’t want to feel like this, It’s like this constant drowning feeling, or as if something is weighing me down. One day, I am so happy and the next day, like a switch was flipped in my head, I’m not.

I don’t know how to be happy. This sounds like a completely horrible thing but I simply can’t let go enough, this anxiety doesn’t ease up enough. And fun? its just not that much fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun.

And now, recently, it’s gotten even worse, my okay days are far between. Those days when I don’t want to get out of bed are the most common; so if I do get up, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to hear my thoughts, I just want to push through the day and get it over with.

I’m tired though. And now, I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine. I’m tired of making the effort when I really don’t want to. I never know how to explain this, I never have the words, so I just say I’m tired… in my mind.
And I’m ashamed of how I feel, so I pretend that I’m not feeling it. I pretend I am fine. I put on a big smile and tell my therapist “everything is awesome”. And I’ve gotten so good at it. I’ve been doing it for years.
Crying one minute and laughing on the phone the next.
I’ve learnt to keep the tears on one side and continue when I’m alone. I’ve learnt to cry in a crowd and no one notices.
I’ve learnt how to pretend I’m fine.

Why am I writing this?
For two sets of people; someone who gets it and someone who needs someone to get it.

Talk to someone, it will help. tell them exactly how you feel, in the words you feel them, it feels stupid, I know, but just say them, with that one person, at least, you’ll feel less crazy, the voices will quieten, you won’t be so scared of the silence.

I’m trying to not be so ashamed of this; maybe it’s okay not to have an answer when someone asks, “why are you sad?”

The first day, I saw my therapist, she told me that “a suicide attempt is a crime punishable by jail-time in this country”… I’m not afraid of dying though. Most of the time, I’m afraid of living… But I won’t stop, I won’t quit.

I wrote these lines a long time ago “I’ll work it out, I’ll see you through, this is the life I meant for you”.

So, I simply have to remember that I don’t have to struggle alone, I don’t have to do it all by my own effort.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

BTI 001

Alone. Lonely.
They say there’s a difference
But each can be like an abyss that slowly swallows a person,
Like a feeling of hopelessness that settles like a weight upon your shoulders.

What does it feel like to have no one?
To have trusted wrongly for so long that trust seems unreachable.
How does one get past having “people” and yet having no one?
How does the heart handle giving and never recieving?

Pain. Abyss. Hopelessness.

Maybe the path to freedom is that paved with acceptance.

… It’s only life.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Writing for people like me.

Many times, you’ll find that people will try to shut you up, don’t let them, speak your truth.

Just because it makes someone uncomfortable doesn’t mean I will shut up about it.

Infact, if feeling uncomfortable causes you to not want to see, speak, hear or at all acknowledge a problem, you are a huge part of the problem.

You took my voice from me, I let that happen. No more.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Writing for myself…

A very good friend saved me today with these words; “so, write for yourself and people like you.”

Yes, I did mean SAVE.
I haven’t written anything in such a long time and I have been completely miserable, it felt like I was falling down a deep hole and I just didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care if I reached the bottom, I didn’t care if I simply kept falling and pushed how this made me feel into the very back of my mind and my heart, I refused to feel anything.
I couldn’t write, I was dying and I didn’t care.

This all happened because I let someone’s words have power over me.
It wasn’t a critic of my style of writing or word combination or grammer; it was an attack of my core, my personality, my psychology, my humanity, he (this pastor) told me in no uncertain terms that I write what I write on social issues because I have lived an unbalanced life and because I come from a disassembled community. He told me that what I write is my reality alone and it would be impossible for anyone else to relate, he told me that there wasn’t any need to share my work because it spoke only to and about me.
He had only ever heard one piece from me “mommy, I feel it too” but he put me and everything I’d ever written in one box.

I haven’t written since that day and I never even realised why until a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned the incident to my sister.
So obviously, there’s only one course of action now, I am taking my voice back.

I choose to “write for myself and people like me”

P.S
I apologise to everyone who follows me still even though I have basically been a waste of space (on your wordpress)
I also sincerely apologise for allowing one man’s opinions over-ride all of the wonderful feedback I get from all you lovely people.

I thank everyone who continues to support and especially read and critic. I am grateful, because in the end, you guys are my push.

My voice is my own. I will always speak my truth.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Let’s run away

Let’s do it… right now,
Let’s not think about it,
Eyes opened or closed; it doesn’t matter,
Just imagine…
Let’s let the wind sweep us off our feet,
Let it take us where it may,
Let’s abandon the fear of the known and the unknown,
Replaced with a nervous excitement of come-what-mays,
The fights, the laughs, the moments that take our breath away.
But how long would this last? Who cares?
Let’s do it, let’s take nothing along, let’s run away.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.