Beneath I’m beautiful?

I’m not scared you won’t want me,
I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to accept you wanting me,
The feeling of letting go so completely, of believing that there is someone out there capable of loving me through all of my mess seems way too impossible.

I’ve worn this mask for so long,
It’s now not so much that I can’t take it off, it’s that I’m scared to.
Fear; that’s what drives me now, not that you’d know it by looking at me.
I hide it well.
I hide it behind my anger, I hide it beneath my laughter, I hide it within my room, I hide it in a bottle.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Talking to vs. Talking at

I’m not entirely sure that the title properly illustrates what this post is about but please read on and let’s explore this.

All opinions is this post are entirely mine; if you disagree about any part of it, please, feel free to leave a comment and let’s discuss it.

Effective communication goes way beyond just being able to pronounce words or string them together. The basic secret to communicating properly in a way that leaves all parties feeling good about themselves and the topic of discussion, lies in being able to string together words correctly.

A quick example, a few days ago, I went out to a store with my sister, we needed to buy a birthday present for a friend’s baby, and obviously, we needed it wrapped. So, we get to the check out counter and my sister said to the cashier, “hm, and you’ll wrap it”, I immediately said “why did you say it like that”, so she modified it “please, wrap it”, while this sounds, well, acceptable, I still believe that the request could have been made in better way, in way that the cashier would feel like a respected human who happens to work here, rather than some robot that’s simply there to cater to your needs.

I really do believe that if the request had been made as “also, could you wrap these up for me?” Or “please, I’d like to have these wrapped”, it would make the cashier feel better and therefore make them more willing to help. Besides, we never know what sort of day people are having sometimes and just showing the smallest consideration or kindness in the way we speak might just be the thing to turn their day a little around.

Instead of saying “wait”, say “1 minute, please”.

Instead of saying “what?”, say “excuse me?”

The list goes on and on, but the main point is to try to make someone’s day a little better by stringing words together with some consideration and kindness.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

BTI 001

Alone. Lonely.
They say there’s a difference
But each can be like an abyss that slowly swallows a person,
Like a feeling of hopelessness that settles like a weight upon your shoulders.

What does it feel like to have no one?
To have trusted wrongly for so long that trust seems unreachable.
How does one get past having “people” and yet having no one?
How does the heart handle giving and never recieving?

Pain. Abyss. Hopelessness.

Maybe the path to freedom is that paved with acceptance.

… It’s only life.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Writing for myself…

A very good friend saved me today with these words; “so, write for yourself and people like you.”

Yes, I did mean SAVE.
I haven’t written anything in such a long time and I have been completely miserable, it felt like I was falling down a deep hole and I just didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care if I reached the bottom, I didn’t care if I simply kept falling and pushed how this made me feel into the very back of my mind and my heart, I refused to feel anything.
I couldn’t write, I was dying and I didn’t care.

This all happened because I let someone’s words have power over me.
It wasn’t a critic of my style of writing or word combination or grammer; it was an attack of my core, my personality, my psychology, my humanity, he (this pastor) told me in no uncertain terms that I write what I write on social issues because I have lived an unbalanced life and because I come from a disassembled community. He told me that what I write is my reality alone and it would be impossible for anyone else to relate, he told me that there wasn’t any need to share my work because it spoke only to and about me.
He had only ever heard one piece from me “mommy, I feel it too” but he put me and everything I’d ever written in one box.

I haven’t written since that day and I never even realised why until a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned the incident to my sister.
So obviously, there’s only one course of action now, I am taking my voice back.

I choose to “write for myself and people like me”

P.S
I apologise to everyone who follows me still even though I have basically been a waste of space (on your wordpress)
I also sincerely apologise for allowing one man’s opinions over-ride all of the wonderful feedback I get from all you lovely people.

I thank everyone who continues to support and especially read and critic. I am grateful, because in the end, you guys are my push.

My voice is my own. I will always speak my truth.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Are you satisfied?

Jennifer is 15 years old, she is in SS 2.

It’s graduation day at her school and she sits at the back of the school hall staring at the graduands, wishing with all that she had that she could be among them, she feels like she’s been in secondary school all her life, she is so tired of been forced to attend classes and been told what to do every minute of the day, she can’t wait for university when she can do whatever she wants and attend classes whenever she wants, she wonders if it will ever be over.

Fast forward  one year, its Jessica’s first day at university, she walks purposefully around campus going about her registration proceedings, a little scared but very excited to be here finally, she looks around in awe and speaks to other new students, making friends.

Two years later, Jessica walks across campus from a class to the cafeteria and watches the young men and women who are celebrating their convocation, she imagines how excited they would be and envys them, she wishes she could be one of them, she really can’t believe university is taking so long, she conveniently forgets that she has been there for less than three years, she just wants to be done with it, she knows once she’s done with university, her life will totally fall into place.

Finally! Jessica takes a deep breath and walks into the NYSC orientation camp, her heart beats fast as she wonders what the three weeks are going to hold, she finishes her registration, gets her kit, makes 2 friends and together they find a room, Jessica is proud to finally be here. Two days later, Jessica walks into her room after the morning drills totally tired of the camp, she wants to get out of there and go home, together with her friends, she began to count down to when they’d leave the camp, they talked about it all the time. The day they left camp, Jessica and her friends were ecstatic, they felt like they had just been released from prison, surely their lives would fall into place now.

Its July and “Batch B” corps members are passing out, Jessica and her friends are so jealous, NYSC is cramping their style so much, holding them back, they just needed for it to end and then they could just start their lives; they were so sure they’d get jobs immediately after. It couldn’t be any way else.

Six months after NYSC, Jessica walks into her office at the PR agency, goes through the motions of settling in and wonders how long this is going to go on, is she going to be doing this always? It felt like she had been doing it forever, she felt herself getting bored.

Now the big question is “ARE WE EVER SATISFIED?”

We go through different stages of our lives thinking the next one will hold the answers and make us happy but then we tire of it quickly.

Or is that just me?

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2012

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