It’s okay not to be okay

I’m tired. That’s how I usually explain it.

Some days, I wake up and I’m the happiest I have ever been, I feel this excitement straight from deep within which cannot be explained and I don’t usually stop to think about it because for me, that’s a gift. A gift I must hold tightly onto, and enjoy every single second of, because once that’s gone, I don’t know when it will come around again. Especially, now.

Most days, I wake up and I’m anxious; an unexplainable anxiety clawing at my insides, making everything an effort, making every action difficult.
On the really dark days, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to see anybody or speak to anybody, everything is an effort, my phone rings and my heart starts beating really fast. I hear people moving around the house, and my heart starts beating fast that they might come to speak to me, that they might require me to be normal.

My life isn’t sad. I have an absolutely awesome family. My dad has spent his life making sure that we have the best kind of love. I have amazing friends who care about me and who “know” me… I have every reason to be thankful, to be happy, to be beyond happy. There’s so much good in my life.

And yet, I am not happy.

And I have gotten so good at hiding it, at trying so hard to just be. I pretend I’m happy, I pretend I’m having fun, I pretend I want to be there, I pretend I’m fine. I try really hard because I don’t want to feel like this, It’s like this constant drowning feeling, or as if something is weighing me down. One day, I am so happy and the next day, like a switch was flipped in my head, I’m not.

I don’t know how to be happy. This sounds like a completely horrible thing but I simply can’t let go enough, this anxiety doesn’t ease up enough. And fun? its just not that much fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun.

And now, recently, it’s gotten even worse, my okay days are far between. Those days when I don’t want to get out of bed are the most common; so if I do get up, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to hear my thoughts, I just want to push through the day and get it over with.

I’m tired though. And now, I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine. I’m tired of making the effort when I really don’t want to. I never know how to explain this, I never have the words, so I just say I’m tired… in my mind.
And I’m ashamed of how I feel, so I pretend that I’m not feeling it. I pretend I am fine. I put on a big smile and tell my therapist “everything is awesome”. And I’ve gotten so good at it. I’ve been doing it for years.
Crying one minute and laughing on the phone the next.
I’ve learnt to keep the tears on one side and continue when I’m alone. I’ve learnt to cry in a crowd and no one notices.
I’ve learnt how to pretend I’m fine.

Why am I writing this?
For two sets of people; someone who gets it and someone who needs someone to get it.

Talk to someone, it will help. tell them exactly how you feel, in the words you feel them, it feels stupid, I know, but just say them, with that one person, at least, you’ll feel less crazy, the voices will quieten, you won’t be so scared of the silence.

I’m trying to not be so ashamed of this; maybe it’s okay not to have an answer when someone asks, “why are you sad?”

The first day, I saw my therapist, she told me that “a suicide attempt is a crime punishable by jail-time in this country”… I’m not afraid of dying though. Most of the time, I’m afraid of living… But I won’t stop, I won’t quit.

I wrote these lines a long time ago “I’ll work it out, I’ll see you through, this is the life I meant for you”.

So, I simply have to remember that I don’t have to struggle alone, I don’t have to do it all by my own effort.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Writing for people like me.

Many times, you’ll find that people will try to shut you up, don’t let them, speak your truth.

Just because it makes someone uncomfortable doesn’t mean I will shut up about it.

Infact, if feeling uncomfortable causes you to not want to see, speak, hear or at all acknowledge a problem, you are a huge part of the problem.

You took my voice from me, I let that happen. No more.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Video of the Month!!!

This video is less than 6 minutes, take the time to watch it, I assure you, it is so worth it.
This guy is so good and his message is powerful, amazing, awesome, inspirational and then some. And he presents it in such a fun way. This is the Nigeria people need to see to balance out all the negative messages out there.
(big shout out to Haywhy De Rhymer)

Please watch this… remember, less than 6 minutes.
And uumm… you’ll probably thank me for it 😀

Nigeria Unite?

In a class a few days ago, the teacher asks, “of the 3 major ethnic groups in Nigeria, which one has the highest percentage in Abuja?”… an argument starts among the Nigerians in class, the arguments ranged from, “Abuja does not belong to anybody” to “it depends on which part of Abuja you go to”
In another class, the teacher asks us to each select an on-going violent conflict to write a research paper on, and one Nigerian boy asks if he can write about Boko-Haram in Nigeria but the teacher says no, you cannot write about a conflict going on in an area where you are from and this boy, with almost equal parts of pride and maybe, disgust in his tone and body language responds “I’m not from there, I’m from the South of Nigeria”

Do I even have to tell you the teacher looked a tad confused?

Honesty, in both classes, I felt a strong urge to just scream, maybe the urge was a little stronger in the former actually.
But seriously, people!!! Why do we fight over everything? Do we ever feel like one people? Does being Nigeria mean anything?
Most “Nigerians” now feel more igbo, or hausa, or yourba or jukun before they feel Nigerian, if they even feel that at all.
When we meet people, why is asking what state in Nigeria they come from one of the first questions we ask, are we asking just to know them better or do we judge them based on that information?

Most of the conflicts in the world today are within countries, citizens fighting and killing each other for reasons such as ethnic, religious or political differences… do we really just want to live in a world where its just people that live and think exactly like us? Wouldn’t that be kinda boring? Or isn’t that the end game of killing people who oppose us or are different or pray to God in a different manner or speak a different language? We’re looking to get rid of anyone who’s different to us, right?
A friend said to me recently that all conflict is built on a foundation of pride and selfishness. I don’t know.
I know that ethnic differences and conflicts are not peculiar to Nigeria. It just saddens me the most.

There’s no real point to this post actually, except to throw out some of these burning questions that play over and over in my head. Maybe someone out there has some answers that can help me sleep better. Because let me tell you, these are some of the questions that keep me up at night.

And please, my dear Nigerians, the next time you meet another Nigerian, when you get the urge to ask, “what state are you from?”, ask yourself, “why do I really need to know that right now?”

The Nelson Mandela

I was not going to do this post. I didn’t think I had the words. I didn’t think I had the right.
I mean, who am I, to talk about you and all that you were and still are?
What words could I use to describe what you meant and still mean.

“What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”
– Nelson Mandela

You lived this life. A significant life.
You loved even when hatred would seem to be the only option for a human.
Maybe that’s because you weren’t really human.
You were that higher person that each and every one of us long to be.
You fought and paid the price to be that person.
You are the true definition of giving even when no one asks for or even deserve it
To live even a fraction of the significance that is your life would indeed be living.

“Death is something inevitable. When a man has done what he considers to be his duty to his people and his country, he can rest in peace. I believe I have made that effort and that is, therefore, why I will sleep for the eternity.” – Nelson Mandela

South Africa mourns
Mama Africa mourns
The world mourns

“Nelson Mandela was indeed a man of incomparable honor, unconquerable strength, and unyielding resolve…”

And the only way to honor this great man that we all love so dearly is to take lessons from his life,
continue the fight the spent his life fighting
the love he spent his life showing.
As long as we continue to work together for the peace he dedicated his life to,
Nelson Mandela lives forever.

mandela-quote

Adeola Matemilola

Mirror, Mirror…

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who’s the fairest of them all?
Not on the outside, but the in
I’d like to know what others see

Do you ever wonder when you leave your home in the morning, all spruced up and looking to “die for”
If your attitude will reflect the outer beauty? Are you ever worried that someone will see past that outer beauty to the inside?
Apart from that, do you want anyone see the pain you carry on the inside?
When you laugh so hard at a joke your friends tell, while you weep on the inside with tears so hot, they could be burning through your chest?
Are you glad no one sees that?
or do you wish they would?
Do you wish someone could hear your heart screaming out “HELP ME… HELP ME!!!” repeatedly?

Standing at the kitchen sink at night, looking out the window, do you feel a strange sort of peace staring at the lights shining through your neighbor’s window?
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have that life instead of yours?
Do you ever think about your life and see how blessed you are and still feel this feeling inside that you cannot explain?
Do you ever long for love when you already have so much love and you just don’t understand it?
Do you ever wish and wish and wish… that someone would just understand?

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Hear my whispered prayer to God
Unto You alone I look… heal my heart, whether it be broken or not

I want to dance

I want to dance in the rain
And not think I’m acting childish

I want to dance in the rain
and not think of catching a cold after

I want to dance in the rain
And not think of my inhaler

I want to dance in the rain
And not worry about my weave

I want to dance in the rain
To the melody being played by the raindrops
A tune only my heart can understand

I want to dance in the rain
And not worry about my problems
Or what would become of me tomorrow

I want to dance in the rain
And let the glassy drops wash away my pain
Wash away all my heartache and fear

I want to dance in the rain
And mix my salty tears with it

I want to dance in the rain
In front of so many onlookers with envy in their eyes,
Peeping from their windows
Or from under shades where they have taken refuge

I want to dance in the rain
Laughing my heart out
As it echoes miles away

I want to dance in the rain
Looking to the sky
To receive showers of blessings

I want to dance in the rain
To taste the heavenly water

I want to dance in the rain
And soak myself in it

I want to dance in the rain
And when it stops,
Strip off my wet clothes
Walk home
To a new me


This beautiful piece was written by Modurodoluwa Ige; Continue to Rest in Perfect Peace.

Istanbul, Ankara, Izmir… Turkey

I had initially written a long diatribe to post about the goings-on in Turkey, about the blatant disregard for basic human rights; the stringent rules that a supposedly democratic government is putting in place.

Now while all that is still true, and while it is still true that this issue which began with a small group of protestors gathering outside Gezi park in Taksim located in central Istanbul to stop the demolition of a park that has been described as one of the last remaining green areas in the city, and which later increased in size and intensity due to the “attack” by the police with tear gas and high pressure water in order to displace them (wow, long sentence) does stand on a valid point (at least, originally).

And while I still agree completely with Amnesty International in that the Turkish government should apologize to the people and try to right some of the wrongs in order to placate the people and bring peace back to Turkey, because despite all that has transpired and repeated statements from the Turkish Prime minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, that he didn’t authorize the Police to take such actions, the sad fact is it is still going on, just today, I saw on the news that about 20 people were arrested yesterday for “spreading violence on twitter”, this just isn’t right, arrested for using twitter to talk about something you are passionate about?! If only, how many of us would have gotten arrested over the years?

Anyways, the one reason why I cannot stand behind this protests one hundred percent anymore is that now people are destroying properties, burning people’s cars and destroying stores and things like that, I know that in every war, there are casualties but why should we knowingly, destroy properties? Erdogan and his government might not be the best, they have obviously shown the world that much with these recent events but what good would destroying public properties that make life easier for everyone do? Who would that cause more pain in the long run?

I am still kind of proud of these people though for standing together to demand that things be put right, to demand that they get the full benefits of belonging to a democratic state; young and old, rich and poor, Turks and Kurds, differences have been forgotten, albeit temporarily to fight for a much bigger cause and that is commendable, and could be emulated by other so-called democratic states where things just aren’t right.

It is really sad that so many people have to lose so much to achieve something that should be theirs by right, I just hope that people do not lose sight of what it is they are fighting for, I hope they don’t go on destroying lives and properties meaninglessly.
And in keeping in line with what they are fighting and doing it right, I hope they get good results.

A good friend of mine really wanted me to lend my voice to this issue, so here’s to Hakan, I hope you get my point and I really hope all of the hurt, pain and destruction will not be in vain.

The Harbour

I took a walk yesterday, I wasn’t really sure where I was headed, to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure I had a destination in mind.
I took a walk yesterday, on a search for tranquillity and freedom from everyday issues.
I had only walked a short while when I came upon a place, not far away but a place I had failed to really notice through my everyday hustles and bustles, racing through life like I do.

I stood for a while taking in this place of various activities which I considered but a pause in my walk to find the perfect place of tranquillity and freedom, I never even considered this place.
Boats were docked, people boarding and getting off, boat owners shouting out advertisements for boat tours, tourists strolling around like they had all the time in the world, stopping often to gaze in wonder at one thing or the next, laughing and taking pictures, milling in and around the various exotic bars and restaurants.
And the perfectly blue-as-sky clear crystal ocean stretching on for miles and miles… Even through my acute phobia for large bodies of water, I find myself wishing I could soar just above the waters running my hands in it while I search for its very beginning.

Standing here, I could almost forget that I have to be at my less-than-satisfactory job tomorrow dealing with insatiable customers. I could forget about the millions of needs I have that there never seems to be enough time or money to meet.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, savouring it, it felt like the freshest breath I had ever taken and I could have sworn my lungs felt just a little cleaner.

I turn around and continue on my walk searching for tranquillity and freedom from everyday issues already forgetting all about this place I stumbled upon.

I took a walk yesterday and came upon a place.
I took a walk yesterday and came upon the harbour

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2012

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Keep the Peace

She fights and cusses
They say “Keep the peace”

She screams and plots
They say “Keep the peace”

She’s cunning like a snake
They say “Keep the peace”

Don’t talk to my kids
Is that a smile I see
They say “Keep the peace”

No food to eat, nobody to talk to
Can’t sit in the parlor, can’t make a sound

“Keep the peace”, “Keep the peace”
Is all I hear

Somebody has to be the bigger person
One of us has to be grown up

I’ve always heard about “stepmothers”
Just never thought I’d get one.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2012

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.