I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

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Nursery school, Primary school, Secondary school, 4 years of university, 5 years even better,
then they can boast, “my son studied engineering”, “my daughter is a law graduate”
As if that alone defines satisfaction

Ruling our lives and world silently
telling us what we must and mustn’t do
whispering silently that our choices and dreams do not matter

University done, now it’s time to get married
lest I forget, masters is a must these days, just do it, everybody else is,
how else do you expect to get a good job.
“Now don’t spend all your time studying, I want to see my grandchildren before I die”
“What do you mean you have things to achieve first, what do you mean you have dreams and goals?”
“You already have a job, don’t you? You don’t have to enjoy it right now, you young people and your funny ideas”
“The important thing is that it brings in money”
“And now you’re going out again, to the movies eh? Is that where you’ll find a good christian husband?”

Who came up with these rules?
Whose reality is this?

Hear the relatives whispering among themselves when I say I want to take a year off before university to travel and see new places, experience different and new things.
Hear them, “So unserious, when her mates are talking about school and such, she’s talking rubbish”
“Don’t mind her, refusing to study nursing because she’s not “interested” in it, is it a matter of interest?”

So then, I live my life for them;
Nursery school, Primary school, Secondary school, University, got a job, got a husband, I did it all for them.
You would think they’d leave me alone now,
let me be and enjoy the life I now have
but just as I am about to let out a sigh of satisfaction,
I hear a banging on the door, they’re back, they want more,
I try to block out the banging on the doors and the windows, the screaming;
“When are you going to give us grandchildren? do you want us to die without seeing our grandchildren?”

A friend that has somehow become the enemy
With effects that crept up on us so slowly, we didn’t notice

Don’t get me wrong, culture isn’t a bad thing,
culture defines a people after all
I just wonder; if we actually think, will all aspects be for everyone?
Would young people all be looking to get “big office jobs”, no matter what it is and regardless of whether or not they enjoy it?
Would young girls be getting depressed that they aren’t married at 24 just because their friends are?
At some point, we stopped thinking and just did
We always talk about finding fulfilment, why doesn’t this include important issues such as education and marriage and such? why do we take it as a forgone conclusion that those things are meant for everyone?
All people aren’t meant to play football, are they?

Approximately 1.7 million Nigerian students took the Joint Admission Matriculation Board (JAMB) examinations this year, 2013 and about 1.2 million of them will not be getting into university… think about that.