I Love you, I Don’t.

Last night, I learnt two things about you.

One, I will always love you;
Even though you’ve broken me down again and again,
Stomped on my heart, used it as a Frisbee, throwing it and not caring where it lands or who catches it,
Acting like my heart was nothing,
Like my love meant nothing.

Two, you are selfish;
I gave you everything,
You gave me almost nothing,
Taking me for granted in every way possible but I couldn’t see it,
You twisted and turned me,
Your problems were our problems.
My problems were silly.

I loved you…You know I did.
Maybe it was too much,
Maybe my love was too strong,
Maybe you knew you didn’t deserve it.

I probably will always love you
but you no longer have that hold on me.

Actually, No.
I won’t always love you.
I no longer love you.

 


©Adeola Matemilola 2017

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Beneath I’m beautiful?

I’m not scared you won’t want me,
I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to accept you wanting me,
The feeling of letting go so completely, of believing that there is someone out there capable of loving me through all of my mess seems way too impossible.

I’ve worn this mask for so long,
It’s now not so much that I can’t take it off, it’s that I’m scared to.
Fear; that’s what drives me now, not that you’d know it by looking at me.
I hide it well.
I hide it behind my anger, I hide it beneath my laughter, I hide it within my room, I hide it in a bottle.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Writing for myself…

A very good friend saved me today with these words; “so, write for yourself and people like you.”

Yes, I did mean SAVE.
I haven’t written anything in such a long time and I have been completely miserable, it felt like I was falling down a deep hole and I just didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care if I reached the bottom, I didn’t care if I simply kept falling and pushed how this made me feel into the very back of my mind and my heart, I refused to feel anything.
I couldn’t write, I was dying and I didn’t care.

This all happened because I let someone’s words have power over me.
It wasn’t a critic of my style of writing or word combination or grammer; it was an attack of my core, my personality, my psychology, my humanity, he (this pastor) told me in no uncertain terms that I write what I write on social issues because I have lived an unbalanced life and because I come from a disassembled community. He told me that what I write is my reality alone and it would be impossible for anyone else to relate, he told me that there wasn’t any need to share my work because it spoke only to and about me.
He had only ever heard one piece from me “mommy, I feel it too” but he put me and everything I’d ever written in one box.

I haven’t written since that day and I never even realised why until a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned the incident to my sister.
So obviously, there’s only one course of action now, I am taking my voice back.

I choose to “write for myself and people like me”

P.S
I apologise to everyone who follows me still even though I have basically been a waste of space (on your wordpress)
I also sincerely apologise for allowing one man’s opinions over-ride all of the wonderful feedback I get from all you lovely people.

I thank everyone who continues to support and especially read and critic. I am grateful, because in the end, you guys are my push.

My voice is my own. I will always speak my truth.

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Let’s run away

Let’s do it… right now,
Let’s not think about it,
Eyes opened or closed; it doesn’t matter,
Just imagine…
Let’s let the wind sweep us off our feet,
Let it take us where it may,
Let’s abandon the fear of the known and the unknown,
Replaced with a nervous excitement of come-what-mays,
The fights, the laughs, the moments that take our breath away.
But how long would this last? Who cares?
Let’s do it, let’s take nothing along, let’s run away.

 

©Adeola Matemilola 2016

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Daydreamer Award

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A huge thank you to Blog Creatifa for the Daydreamer award, I an extremely honoured.

The award is for the blogs that make, you laugh, are inspiring, provoke your curiosity or are just unbelievably creative.
When you do receive the award, make a post and follow these steps:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Complete the challenge they set you.
3. Select a blog or blogs that you want to give the award to. (The amount of blogs you select is unlimited!)
4. Tell them about it and set them a challenge.
(Copy and paste the rules on your own blog )

The challenge set by Blog Creatifa is to Write a poem about what inspired you to start your blog or what motivates you to keep blogging.

So here goes…

There once was a little girl who found life and friendships in the pages of books… Who’s very enthusiastic response to the question “what would you like as a birthday present?” was always “A book”.

See, her family moved around a lot and so, while this little girl couldn’t hold on to physical friendships for long periods, her friends came alive in the pages of all her books and pretty soon, she started to come up with her own characters.

People that shared adventures and fun times with her, they became real to her, these weren’t like voices in her head, she wasn’t crazy lol… But she started to write, every time and every where.

She wrote to entertain herself,
She wrote to release herself,
She wrote to express herself;
to shed/share her joys, pains, frustrations.
She wrote to give words to feelings that couldn’t be easily expressed by everyone.
She wrote to transport people from their reality into a beautiful, make-believe world.
That little girl grew up to be me.

So why do I write?

Simply because I cannot not write.


©Adeola Matemilola 2015

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adeola Matemilola and aeyshadeedee.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.